


Tangibility

by Random_Fandom_writer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: And probably medication, Because I love my boy Evan, But it might be triggering if you're anything like me, Connor Needs A Hug, Dissociation, How about some Connor angst huh?, I didn't need to make this gay but I'm gonna do it anyways, I wouldn't call this sad???, M/M, The Matrix References, read the trigger warnings!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-12-17 09:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21052007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Random_Fandom_writer
Summary: Nothing feels tangible, Connor thinks as he stares at his bedroom ceiling, which right off the bat is Not Good, even though he doesn't feel Not Good. He doesn't really feel anything because nothing is tangible.Or...Connor watches The Matrix and it doesn't go well.





	Tangibility

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this as a vent thing, just to get my feelings on paper, and then I thought "can I make an actual plot out of this?" Yes, yes I can. Also partially written because I feel bad for not updating my multi-chapter. Sorry guys, I wanted something fresh to write about. 
> 
> And??? Connor angst??? In my fics??? Unheard of. I seriously never write Connor's POV which needs to change.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Dissociation, anxiety

Nothing feels tangible, Connor thinks as he stares at his bedroom ceiling, which right off the bat is Not Good, even though he doesn't feel Not Good. He doesn't really feel anything because _nothing is tangible. _Not even the word tangible feels tangible.

So maybe he feels a little Not Good. Less in an '_oh god what is happening? What's wrong with me?' _way and more of a '_here we go again.'_ He feels weird mostly, because that pit in his stomach is filling up with lead, and maybe it was fine before but it's not now.

If it was any less fine Connor would surely be panicking. But not now, now is not time for panicking.

He focuses on his body. _How does your body feel Connor?_ Does it feel heavy? Does it feel light? Trick question, it's both. His arms and legs and stomach are weighed down, down, down, but his mind. No, his mind isn't weighed down. It's up in the sky. Somewhere. He sort of lost track of where it went.

Now the confusing part is none of this feels terrible. It doesn't even feel that bad, but it is uncomfortable, because he can't quite identify what he's feeling. It's not a good feeling that's for sure. And no, it's not apathy, he know what apathy feels like and this ain't it chief. It's not sadness, Connor know what that feels like too. It sure isn't anxiety or fear, because those buzz, buzz like electricity, he'd be able to tell if it was either of those.

And now it's really time, time for the brain game, remember the brain game?

_'Think back, back to your day. What was your day like? You fought with Zoe'_

Yes, now he remembers, Connor wanted her to do the dishes but she was Not having it, no siree. So he shoved her, and she shoved him right back which just ended in a whole lot of chasing. Round and round the living room they go. Yes that's what happened today.

Did that really happen?

That didn't happen, Connor is lying, lying to himself. None of that ever happened. He doesn't have a sister, he don't have anything, he doesn't even have himself because he are Not Real. Yeah, that's it. 

'_You are not A Thing and you never have been. Nothing has ever happened. Nothing is real. This is fake.'_

_'This is all some messed up simulation that you've convinced yourself is true.'_

A simulation? Yes a simulation, that is the most probable answer he can come up with.

Connor is being Watched, he is definitely being watched. By who? Maybe the creator, creator of this stupid fucking simulation. He doesn't know, but they are there. Watching. He can feel it. 

The only thing he knows for sure is that _this isn't real, _which he feels as if he hasn't said enough.

He's aware of everything now. Aware that nothing he does will even matter in a couple years and he along with everyone else will die. It's inevitable.

'_You are going to die'._

And after that is black. Nothing. There is nothing after this, only black. Like sleeping, but you never get to wake up. Speaking of sleeping, Connor should be asleep. It's getting late, and this is all terribly inconvenient.

He falls asleep.

* * *

The next morning, everything is fine.

Everything looks fine anyways, because these things don't leave an imprint. In fact, the only proof that it ever happened is the vague recollection of last night in his brain.

He doesn't feels embarrassed, or scared, or tired, or angry, upset, anxious-

He does feel a little bit confused though, and weird too in a resigned sort of way.

Still, he gets up, eats breakfast, which recently has just been cereal without milk (Cynthia has been strictly buying soy milk, which Connor is not vibing with t all), and yells at Zoe a little bit before assembling his school bag and shooting Evan a quick text.

Connor: on my way to pick you up

Evan: Ok, see you soon.

Evan: Want to come over tonight? My mom's not going to be home.

He smirks, hesitantly typing a winking face and debating sending it. It's a bit too early in the morning to give Evan a heart attack.

He sends it.

Connor: ;)

Evan: Wait no!!!!

Evan: thats not what I meant oh my god

Evan: I menat we could watch a movei or simething

Evan: *meant

Evan: *movie

Evan: *something

Evan: Sorru

Evan: *sorry

Connor: relax i know thats not what you meant

He feels a little bad now, knowing Evan's probably been mildly panicking to fix his mistake for the past few minutes while Connor watched him flounder.

Connor: but yeah i can come over tonight

Evan: Ok, coolio.

Evan: Wow that was dumb.

Evan: Please forget I ever typed that.

Connor: noo i thought it was cute

It was kinda cute, and a bit dorky. '_Coolio. What a nerd._'

Connor: im leaving now see you soon

Evan: Ok, see you soon!

* * *

"What are we watching?"

"I don't know yet. We have some DVD's by the TV."

Connor crouched beside the TV, flicking through a few dusty discs as Evan bustled around in the kitchen for snacks. "Eat Pray Love? You have Eat Pray Love?" 

He laughed shortly, picking out a bag of microwave popcorn. "After my dad left my mom really got into chick flicks. Illegally burned a whole bunch of them."

"I can tell," he said as he sorted through multiple more discs, all adorned with romantic comedy titles in messy sharpie. "Do you have one movie that doesn't star James Franco?"

Evan appeared by his side, taking a stack of DVD's "Ahm, yeah here. The Matrix. I didn't even know we had this. But hey, Keanu Reeves is in it."

He plucked the disc from the blondes hand, turning it over to inspect for scratches. "Look it up on IMDb while I set up the DVD player."

The microwave beeped, sending Evan to the kitchen to transfer the popped kernels into a bowl, pouring with one hand and typing into his phone with the other. "Ok here's the summary." He set down the bowl in the living room, flopping down and reading aloud in a monotone. "A computer hacker learns from mysterious rebels about the true nature of his reality and his role in the war against its controllers."

"Coolio."

He was met with a startled laugh and a playful glare. "Ok, now you're just making fun of me."

"Of course not, now where did you get that idea?"

"Oh my god, just put the movie on please."

***

This was not a good idea.

They're at the famous red pill blue pill scene and Connor's really starting to not like where this is going.

***

Neo wakes up in the weird tank thing. In the 'real world.'

Connor's stomach fills with lead.

***

They tell him about the matrix.

His body feels light.

***

They get to the karate simulation scene before he finally snaps and pauses it, curling up into the side of the couch.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

His face is doing a weird twitchy thing, features screwing up, and eyes blinking guickly as his body shudders lightly.

"Mmmn"

He can see Evan panicking, hands wavering as he contemplates touching him. He flinches nose scrunching, and limbs jerking. "Ok, no touching um." He obviously has no idea what he's doing. This is _not _a panic attack. This is weird, foreign. It probably looks like he's possessed, and now Evan is visibly shaking too.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do I- I- I don't know what's happening um. What do I do?"

_'Fakefakefakefakefake'_

_'Evan is fake'_

_'Not here'_

_'A simulation'_

He wraps his arms around his torso, knees pulled into his chest and stares at the floor silently, lip twitching every so often.

Time passes.

And passes.

And passes.

And then it's over. Connor uncurls, runs a hand through his hair, and reaches for the glass of water sitting on the table.

Evan is staring at him, and Connor debates whether to ignore him or comfort him. He chooses the latter.

"I'm fine, don't worry."

"That didn't seem fine." He looks scared. Concerned. "Seriously, what was that?"

He sets down the glass of water, resting his elbow on the arm rest and leaning against it with his knuckles to his cheek.

"I don't know."

And maybe it's the way his voice drops to a whisper, and cracks on the last word, but Evan just about bursts into tears, which makes Connor want to burst into tears, and the whole thing is just not good, not good at all.

"Can you try and explain it?"

He shakes his head. "You won't get it."

"Please?"

A beat of silence, followed by a long, quiet sigh.

"I don't know it's hard- the movie. Was just sort of freaky and it. Set me off." He pauses, taking a breath. "I was just thinking um. That no- fuck, words I-" Connor makes a frustrated noise, shifting his hand to cover his mouth. "nnnthin fllls tnngbblle," he mumbles.

"I can't- can you uncover your mouth?"

"Nothing feels um. Tangible. Is how I like to think of it." It sounds stupid now that he says it out loud. Connor should shut up, yeah he's gonna shut up now. This was a terrible idea.

When he looks up he sees Evan waiting for him to continue.

Goddammit.

"Sometimes I just get. Weird like this. Where everything feels. Fake? Not real. And I start to just like- spiral and I don't really know how to explain it but. I start to like, _question reality_ and it's just weird. Yeah."

They're silent for a bit, while Evan determines whether Connor is done speaking or not, before he responds. "So the movie. It triggered all that?"

"Yeah pretty much."

They're sitting on opposite sides of the couch before Connor decides that's ridiculous and scoops Evan towards him, shifting so his back is against the armrest with the other boy between his legs.

"That was really scary," Evan pipes up.

"Yeah, I'm sorry."

"If that happens again what- what am I supposed to do?"

He pauses, brows furrowing. "Like, to help?"

"Yeah."

"Well I've never- nobody's ever tried to help before so. I don't know. Maybe just try and snap me out of it? Like, talk to me and make loud noises. That could help."

"Ok, I can do that."

He's still a little embarrassed that a _movie _was enough to set him off. But Evan is cuddled into his chest, and his hair smells really good so it's a little bit ok he thinks.

***

"Wanna go bury The Matrix in the back yard?"

"Oh fuck yes."

**Author's Note:**

> I've had these things as long as I can remember, and they're not frequent but the suck. The hard part is I don't even know what triggers them specifically. I got triggered from staring at the stars in the sky for too long because it seemed too unreal. And obviously watching The Matrix was not a good idea. I had to leave half way through.
> 
> Also, the blinky, shuddery, twitchy thing is what happens when I get triggered/paranoid. It looks really weird and a bit scary, but it's not super terrible and doesn't last long unless I think about it too much. I just blink really fast and my face scrunches and unscrunches like I'm trying to get rid of a facial itch, and it sort of feels like my spine is twitching.
> 
> Sorry if I described any of this weirdly, I've never met anyone who experiences even close to the same thing, so I don't really know how to word it since I never get to talk about it. I've only actually tried to explain it to one person and they were very confused.


End file.
